I’ve decided to leave these out of context, because…well, it’s just more fun that way. 


At Work


Contrary to popular opinion, cashiers do not fall out of my butt!


Look the way I feel tonight, if you really want my fanny, I’ll hand it to you.


I’ll catch the flasher on five, if you’ll catch the flasher on seven.


Yep, I kicked him, right in the pride.


If any of you crickets give a rat’s behind, we’re going down for the third time up here.


While Out


I’m pretty sure I did not order that green thing.


While I know you probably had my health in mind, would you please put the cheese on my cheeseburger this time?


Thank you for avoiding all unnecessary contact with our table tonight, and saving me the cost of a tip.


I don’t know what you’re going to do with it, but if you speak to me that way again you’re not going to like what I do with it.


At Home


We do not eat family members!


Get your head out of the litter box!


Get your behind out of my coffee!


Get your fanny out of my face!


Please remove your head from your sister’s behind.


I moved to the couch, because the dog had her chin on my head and was snoring.


I was cold, because your cat was hogging the covers.


It would be easier to sweep without you riding the dust mop.


I won’t be in to work today, because my dog is sick.