I think in order to end this “dark night of the soul” I’ve been going through lately, I’m going to have to find a new church. (You wouldn’t believe how much admitting that hurts.) I love the people there, and they mean the world to me, but if I don’t go they are going to lose their Pastor. I’ve been through two church splits already, and will be danged if I’m going to cause one. Of course, there is no one to talk to about this, because anyone I could normally go to for counsel would be emotionally involved, and it would harm the very thing I am trying to protect.
Frankly, I find the whole thing very confusing. He makes sure I feel about as welcome as sand fleas at a nude beach, yet if I’m not there, every time the doors are open, it’s a personal insult to him and his wife. I couldn’t be there all the time, right now, anyway. Between a full-time job and fighting off constant infections, I’m too worn out to make it to every service, fellowship, and rally. He doesn’t know about any of that though, because he’s not interested in anything I have to say.
It also has become very clear that with him as my Pastor I will never have another opportunity to serve in any meaningful way. I’m supposed to sit down, shut up, and keep the pew warm, and pew warming is not my forte’. Besides, after what was said Sunday night, (which I missed) it’s probably best if I don’t go back. He’s going to wind up saying something stupid. I’m going to blow a gasket, one of us is storming out, and I’m not 100% sure it would be me. Better to end it quietly, with some dignity.
I don’t even have to lie to them. He doesn’t believe in lady preachers. I believe I’m being called to preach. The two are not compatible. There’s no need for them to know I’m hurting, no need to cause a rift, no need…
This sucks. Anyone know of a good Baptist church in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, where the Pastor isn’t threatened by strong women?
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April 3, 2008 at 1:35 am
Corina
I think you’re making the only choice you can. I know it is very difficult but it has to be done. I wish there was something I could say to help. There isn’t but know that you can tell US about what you’re going through and at least it will help to get it off your chest.
I hope you find the perfect place where your wisdom, talents, and spirituality are welcomed and put to the use they should be.
April 3, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Shawn W
Thanks, Corina. It’s a very lonely feeling.
April 4, 2008 at 2:40 pm
David
I really think you’re doing the right thing. Humility is one thing, but you weren’t given the talents and callings you have in order to sit in the back and hush up. I wish there were someone you were able to talk to closer to home about the situation, but I suppose that discussing it here is a better outlet than none.
You deserve the opportunity to serve. I think you’ll find it.
April 4, 2008 at 8:04 pm
thelittlefluffycat
You can always go Methodist for a while.
You wouldn’t be the first or the last!
April 4, 2008 at 10:05 pm
sue2
I know how painful this can be. I worked for a church in our last town, and it was like my second home. The people there were like family to us, the pastors (co-pastors, a husband and wife) were our best friends. We moved to another town, and they are cordial to us…but, have no need for us really. We tried, but the people already had their place in the church and they just don’t care about new people. We stopped going a few months ago, and just don’t know what to do. Keep going somewhere we feel invisible or start shopping for a different church? It makes me very sad. I am sorry you are going through such a stressful event.
April 4, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Shawn W
David, you always have a way of saying just the things to make me feel better. It’s one of the many reasons I love you. I wish there were someone closer to home too, but could do a whole lot worse than my group of friends here.
I hope you’re right.
LOL, Little Fluffy, I’ve always said, “Christian by the grace of God, Baptist by choice.” I’m sure the Lord will show me where he wants me, and where ever it is I’ll be glad to be there.
April 4, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Shawn W
Sue2, if that church doesn’t care about new people, it’s not a place you need to be. True Christians should always be ready to embrace someone new. Christ never had an “us four and no more” mentality, and we shouldn’t either. Don’t give up. Somewhere there is a church that would be glad to have two people so willing to give of themselves.
April 6, 2008 at 9:15 pm
thelittlefluffycat
Sue, when we found our church it was in flux–moving from one side of town to the other. Sometimes when a church is a little needier, it’s a little more open. We’d just come from one where we were invisible, too–so I know what you mean.
April 7, 2008 at 7:00 am
Stevo
Leaving anything you love is difficult. I feel for you. Saying goodbye to whatever you hold dear is painful.
Emotional investment, in jobs, churches, friends, is something so close, so personal. You have to follow your heart and do what’s best for you. Given your situation you’re doing the right thing.
Sometimes you have to think only about yourself and do what’s best. I wish you all the luck.
April 7, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Anners Scribonia
Wasn’t Junia a preacher? Or am I thinking of the wrong early Christian church woman?
Anyway, good luck.
April 7, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Shawn W
Thanks for the voice of experience, Little Fluffy.
Thank you, Stevo. It is painful to see this door shutting, but I’m looking for the open one.
I’ll have to do some research about that one, Anners. But there are examples such as Deborah the judge, and Lydia. Thank you.
April 8, 2008 at 10:39 am
Wanda Rizzuto
(Sometimes when I go to make a comment on your blog the layout gets a little screwy. I’m just telling you in case the following comment doesn’t make sense in the context of this post.)
Would Catholic prayers help you at all?
April 8, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Corina
Did you mean to not allow comments on your latest post?
April 8, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Shawn W
My fault this time, Wanda. I forgot to open the comments on last night’s post.
If I’m not mistaken we worship the same God, and I would covet your heartfelt prayers more than dozens of Baptist prayers said out of duty.
Nope, Corina. I should never post after midnight.