I’ve been playing with my new digital camera lately. It sucks, but some of the pictures are still worth sharing.
never leave an empty bag on the table
safe from the dog mud
just before he kicked the food dish off
When someone says “God” what image comes to mind? Is it an all powerful angry being waiting above to thump you on the head or make things go badly for you, if you do the wrong thing? Are you convinced that you been so awful, gone so wrong, that He couldn’t possibly love or forgive you? Do you feel as if you’ve been picked on by the All Mighty? That’s not the image the Bible gives of our Creator.
Jeremiah 29:11 tells us what God thinks about us.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Child, God is not mad at you.
1 John 4:8 tells us that God not only loves but is love. “He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”
And there is the ultimate expression of God’s love.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
1 John 4:9 “In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.”
We call Him, Father, but we must be careful not to let the imperfect image of out earthly father overshadow who God truly is.
Luke 11:9-13 “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”
Child, God is not mad at you, and he doesn’t want you to be afraid of Him.
Yes, I know the Bible says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom…” (Proverbs 9:10) But the word “fear” here means “respect” not knee knocking fright.
Like any good father, God will let you suffer the consequences of your own actions, although many Christians, including myself, have noticed that said consequences are often muted by God’s mercy. And like any good father, God will discipline His children.
Proverbs 13:24 “He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.”
Correcting one’s children takes time and effort. It would be much easier to allow them to do as they please, but of course, because we love them we take the time and put in the effort to discipline them properly. God does the same for us.
Proverbs 3:11-12 “My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights.”
Child, God is not mad at you.
In fact, He’s crazy about you, loves you, and wants to spend all eternity with you.
2 Peter 3:8-9 “But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.”
God is not mad at you.
He has made a way for you to spend eternity with Him. It’s yours for the asking.
“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
I guess by now everyone has noticed that music is a huge thing for me. A song can effect my mood for hours (sometimes days), so I choose my radio stations carefully. Of course music is also a large part of my worship, sometimes a song can say the things I’m feeling with much more elegance than I could ever manage.
The healing process is well on it’s way, since allowing myself to grieve. I can even manage a prayer that isn’t exclusively for someone else. Some of you know what a big step that is.
This is where I want to be.
The Motions –Matthew West
This might hurt, It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care, If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok, Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
No regrets, Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love, Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
‘Cause just ok, Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
I don’t wanna go through the motions
It seems one must admit how hurt they are, before healing can begin. It’s amazing the lengths God will go to in order to bring said healing and peace to His children. I wish I had the words to describe yesterdays service, how the Spirit settled over the entire congregation, and how He used a song to begin the process for one broken, battered, weeping child of God.
Cry Out To Jesus – Casting Crowns
To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They’ve done all they can to make it right again
Still it’s not enough
For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you’re not alone in your shame
And your suffering
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
Father, thank You, for loving this selfish, arrogant woman. Thank You, for bearing my anger and pain, and showing me the way to peace.
I haven’t forgotten or abandoned you guys, and I’m not really missing, just quiet. It’s kind of dark in my world right now, and it’s taking awhile to work through it. I don’t get down often, so my coping skills are lacking.
My friend thinks it’s grief, and she may be right, but I still don’t know what to do with it.
I’ll be back on the “swing” soon.
Angela issued a challenge, by saying no one would do this, so here’s mine. 
FILL IT OUT! Learn 44 things about your friends, and let them learn 44 things about you!
1. Do you like blue cheese? Yummy!
2. Do you scuba dive? I did, twen a number of years ago, but can’t anymore because of my asthma.
3. Do you own a gun? I have, but don’t now. I am thinking about getting a shotgun for snakes and coyotes.
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? Pink Lemonade
5. Do you get nervous before a doctor’s appointment? I’m more likely to get irritable.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Quick, easy, and filling, who could ask for more?
7. Favorite Christmas movie? “A Christmas Carol” the 1951 version.
8. Favorite thing to drink in the morning? COFFEE!!
9. Can you do push ups? Not even on a bet.
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? Diamond earrings Doug got me “just because”
11. Favorite hobby? Painting
12. Do you have A.D.D.? More like OCD
13. Ever saved someone’s life? Yes
14. Middle name? Dawn
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I’m tired. I’m glad my internet is working. The little chewy cat may have to die.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coffee, water, Mocha latte
17. How many siblings do you have? Five, all brothers
18. Current dislike right now? Laundry
19. Favorite place to be? Home
20. Favorite seafood? Lobster
21. Where would you like to go? Jerusalem
22. Name three people who might complete this: I seriously doubt any will.
23. Do you own slippers? Red-neck women don’t do slippers.
24. What shirt are you wearing? None, I’m in my nightie.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No, and it’s a good thing. Cat and dog claws are heck on them.
26. Can you whistle? No 
27. Favorite colors? Yellow
28. Would you be a pirate? And have to run around without my makeup and hair products! Not happening.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever I’m practicing for church.
30. Favorite girl’s name? Nela
31. Favorite boy’s name? Timothy
32. What’s in your pocket right now? No pockets
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My Husky/Lab rolling on his back, being cute and funny
34. What vehicle do you drive? A paid for (which is the best part) 95 Ford Escort wagon
35. What’s your worst injury? A broken tail bone
36. Do you love where you live? Love might be a bit strong. I do love my house.
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
38. Who is your loudest friend? Otica!
39. Do you have any pets? 3 dogs, 3 cats, and a bird
40. Does someone have a crush on you? Oh, I hope not. Who has the energy?
41. Your favorite radio station? KLTY
42. Do you collect anything? Cats, dolphins, and from the look of things today, dust
43. Would you rather be in the mountains or at the beach? Mountains!
44. What songs do you want played at your funeral? “Home” by Chris Daughtry, “Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)”, and “Softly and Tenderly“
Watching a man and his two children baptized today, as his wife looked on with joyful tears streaming down her face, reminded me of why I do what I do. It’s more than the directive I feel coming from God, though that is a large part of it. It’s the incredible joy felt when I am blessed with the job of introducing someone to Jesus.
The Jesus I know is not that gorgeous, long-haired fellow with the sappy smile you see in so many paintings. He’s not a weakling nor a wimp, despite how badly He was treated while He was here. Yes, Jesus is “The Lamb of God”, but He is also “The Lion of Judah”, the “Alpha and Omega”, “Redeemer”, “Light of the world”, “Lord of all creation”, “Lord of lords”, “King of kings”, and “God with us.” He is my risen Savior.
The Jesus I know is strong. He was strong enough to face the criticism of the religious leaders of His day, strong enough to drive the money changers out of His Father’s temple, strong enough to heal the sick, give sight to the blind, give a voice to the mute, and raise the dead, strong enough to defeat demons, strong enough to flatten a troop of Roman soldiers with just His voice, strong enough to survive being scourged, and strong enough to stay on the cross and bear the sins of all mankind.
The Jesus I know is kind. He was kind enough to save a groom humiliation during his wedding supper, kind enough to have pity on a leaper and on a woman caught in the act of adultery, kind enough to bless little children, kind enough to not only forgive Peter but to make him great, kind enough to make sure His mother was cared for, and kind enough to forgive those who nailed Him to the cross. Jesus is kind enough to use a mess like me.
The Jesus I know loves. Loves us so much He gave up heaven, came to this earth as a helpless baby, submitted to His earthy parents upbringing, and in the prime of life started a ministry He knew would only last three years. Jesus loves us so much He bore the pain of the turning away of His Father’s face, so we wouldn’t have to. He loves us so much that He not only died for us but rose again on the third day to give us a secure hope in His resurrection. Jesus loves us so much He wants us to spend eternity with Him.
It’s an amazing honor and privilege to be used by my Lord and Savior, one I don’t take lightly, but it’s the joy of introducing someone to the Jesus I know and love, seeing the joy in their eyes when they really understand, knowing that one more soul has been added to the kingdom of heaven, that’s what keeps me going.
History – a chronological record of significant events often including an explanation of their causes.
Herstory – a chronological record of significant events of my faith and service including an explanation of their causes.
Willohroots requested the whole story of my road to faith and service, so here it is. It turned out to be very long, but my favorite evangelist, David Ring, says if I don‘t tell it, it won‘t get told. Hope you can stay awake.
I think faith often starts in childhood. I know mine did. I can only remember one time my family attended church, and it was long enough ago that they had a smoking section, but my mother often spoke of God and His love. I remember her trying to explain the triune God, when I was about four. (Yep, four; can you imagine!) She did as good a job as anyone, and I’ve never struggled with that doctrine the way some have. It may be as simple as believing, because “Mom said so.“ But it works. She also allowed me to attend vacation Bible School, each summer, and always encouraged me to go to church with my friends when invited. It was during one of those visits, to a friends church, at twelve, that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. (Becky B., if you ever read this I owe you my very life.)
Unfortunately, we got tied up with Jehovah’s Witnesses shortly thereafter. I can’t call that time a total loss, because it instilled in me the importance of Bible study and reaching out to others. And how many people can say they were baptized on the fifty-yard-line of Texas Stadium? I did however become very confused about Jesus, and lost my trust in Him. After falling away I tried a lot of other roads, including Wicca, but when life was at it’s worst and I really needed someone, I always found myself at the foot of the cross. I kept searching for someone/something to fill the void. Men didn’t do it, and I have three ex-husbands to prove it. Four children didn’t do it, though they came closer than anything else. Liquor, pills, pot, work, friends, none of those things filled the empty space inside.
Then on September 11, 2001 suddenly and without warning, our entire country went into mourning, causing me to consider ending my life. For that to make sense you need to know that I’m an empath, which is not something weird or spooky. It simply means that I feel the strong emotions of those around me. Fear, anger, and sadness surrounded me, and I couldn’t escape, even for a moment. The only peace I felt was when my husband and I attended a memorial at the church across the street from where I worked. Then and many times since then I’ve had the feeling of being held as I wept. Doug must have noticed, because he was the one who suggested we actively begin seeking a church to attend regularly. Of course, after visiting several and not finding what we were looking for it kind of fell by the wayside.
A few months later, a friend invited me to a women’s retreat at her church, and paid my way, because there was no way I could afford it. It started out with a silly PJ and crazy slipper night, and turned into one of the most important milestones in my life. Suddenly I had an appetite for God’s Word again, and found myself on my knees rededicating my life to Him. Well, He doesn’t take a thing like that lightly, and soon Doug and I were attending his mother’s church regularly. During a Sunday service, we simply looked at each other and said, “Let’s join.” Neither of us even knew the other was considering it! A week later we were baptized together, which has turned into a huge strong point in our marriage.
It really was a great church, on the small side, with as sweet a spirit as any new Christian could hope for, and Brother Dan, the pastor, was a great teacher. I still had a trust problem with Jesus, and was trying to work it out when The Passion came out. It broke my heart and sent me running to my Savior’s arms.
We were at that church for three years, and as with most things, I jumped in head first, always carefully avoiding stepping over my bounds as a woman. With the encouragement of our piano player, Marlene, I was singing specials with the bravest of them, and found myself teaching Sunday school and leading children’s church. As most good things tend to, it ended. Our church split, my Sunday school class of tough little girls vanished, and children’s church was down to three little boys, so they were moved to the regular service. Our best friends left with the Pastor and began a new church, where he abandoned them right away. We were heartsick, for them and for us.
After they found a new pastor for their fledgling church, we went to visit them. They asked me to lead the song service that day, and suddenly I had a place to serve again. There is really nothing like building up a brand new church, so much to be done, and so few to do the work. I was in “Martha” heaven. There were some things I had to get use to though. Women were often called on to pray, and there was a woman on the finance committee! Funny, it didn’t take long.
It soon became apparent we had a problem. Our pastor was jealous of one of the founders of the church, and had begun to use the pulpit to blast him at every opportunity. He also started manipulating people to further his own agenda. We kept expecting him to get angry enough to walk out, and though I still don’t know why, I promised my friend I’d have a devotion ready, if we needed it. It finally came to a point where we had to ask him to leave. It was ugly and painful, and we lost several families, because of it. With the help of one of our other ladies, I was pressed into leading our services, while we looked for a new pastor.
I was about as freaked out as one person is allowed to be. My husband had just gone out of town for work, and there was no one I could talk to, well, other than God. I cried, and told Him I wouldn’t do it, couldn’t do it. I am a woman after all. Of course I just happened to be in Deborah’s part of Judges in my Bible reading. So I agreed, but I wouldn’t stand in the pulpit, and would only do devotions until one of the men was ready to preach. But they needed more, and somehow it had fallen to me to feed His sheep. It wasn’t long before I was in the pulpit, preaching. It seems there is very little difference in a devotion and a sermon.
Six months later, we did find a preacher. I had a few doubts, but everyone else was so happy. I shut my mouth and handed my charges over to his care and keeping. I did, however, stay the song leader. I don’t know that speaking up would have changed anything, but do wish I had tried. I stuck it out as the pastor’s thumb came down harder and harder, because my husband was happy there, and because there were some good things happening.
The toughest thing to deal with is that the pastor knows I feel called to ministry, and he simply can’t let it go. He always talks about how good it is to visit his home church, how they bless him with things for his church, and how they pray for and support him. He would not only deny me that, but actively try to destroy any ministry of which I am a part. In the end I had a choice, stay and destroy the church or go find the supportive environment I need and crave.
Doug and I have found a place where we can both serve, and which supports women in ministry. I get phone calls from people leaving our old church. Sometimes they’re in tears wanting to know what went wrong. It seems since we left the pastor has taken iron-fisted control. They are only allowed to sing from the hymnal he brought in, and he has questioned the salvation of several members, because they’ve sinned. There are other things, but that’s enough. Why did he wait until we left to do those things? Maybe because he knew I’d call him on them?
My independent Bible study starts Wednesday morning. Anyone who wants to attend will be welcome, and I plan to go invite a few folks the churches haven’t bothered with.
God worked too hard to break the chains that bound me, and no one is putting me back in them! If anyone has a problem with it they can talk to my Boss.
Father, help me always to remember that You’re not done with me yet, I’m just a sinner, saved by grace, and that minister means servant.
It’s a line from an old stoner movie, from my not so shiny past, but works well in this situation.
It’s bad. It’s really bad. People are calling, some in tears, wanting to know what happened and what they should do. I’m not going to go into it here, because I’m hearing everything second hand, and that would be gossip. But people are being hurt and driven away, and that’s just wrong.
So…
…I’m not going to raise my hand against God’s anointed.
Lord, help me remember it’s Your job to deal with him.
…I’m not going to spread rumors and gossip.
Lord, put Your arm around my shoulders and Your hand firmly over my mouth.
…I’m not going to going to be drawn into a flame war.
Lord, help me to not defend myself.
…I’m not going to give up.
Lord, keep me strong.
…I’m not going to let those who’ve been hurt drop by the wayside.
Lord, hide me behind the cross, and let them see only You.
But…
…I’ve got to do something. Can’t let this good, righteous, “I want to throw someone out of the temple.” anger go to waste. Right?
So…
I will start a Bible Study, for anyone who wants to attend.
Thank you, Father, for the excellent study to which You led me.
I will reach out to the community in love and understanding.
Lord, lend me Your eyes, and stop my quaking knees.
I will stay true to the truth, even when it stings.
Lord, help me to always remember I’m nothing more than Your work in progress.
I will stay strong and not fear.
Psalm 56:11 “In God I have put my trust. I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.
Matthew 28:19-20 “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”
Your prayers and positive thoughts would be appreciated.
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